Uh-Huh-My-Story (Anonymous)

I received this story today and am very pleased to be sharing it, thank you very much to the writer for sharing. :)

My strict catholic Italian family is quite traditional in their ways. I felt very oppressed and even bullied by them. I did not have a good relationship with my parents. I was often yelled at and hit for reasons that were never really clear to me, other than that my parents were ‘Mad.’ This seemed to always be the case. I was unhappy and would sometimes cry myself to sleep. I wanted to make them proud of me. I realized that they were not happy with themselves, no matter what I did it was never good enough. As cliché as it sounds, I often felt lonely, even though I was in a room full of people. I felt like I could only really connect with very few people. It was a horrible and frustrating feeling. Thus, I wanted to escape! I decided I was going to work very hard in school, make something of myself and depend on only me. I did this and a whole lot more ☺ From slowly coming out of the closet about my sexuality, to my heartbreak and eventual return to my family, read on!
At the age of about 22, about two years into university, I ran away from home and vowed to never go back. This was after many intense arguments/fights. Two of these arguments/fights resulted in the police and other authorities, such as the Children’s Aid Society having to get involved. I was convinced that my family had no purpose in my life and I would make it on my own. I was in university and working a part-time job. I felt like I was on top of the world, I was independent! I lived with my sister (there was some family that I still got along with) paid my rent and tuition all on my own. I had the freedom I always wanted!
Uh-huh, and so began the adventure of me! Although I was mostly in the closet about my sexuality, I was really enjoying the gay scene and the new and exciting gay people I was meeting. However, I later reached a point where the gay area of Toronto was not as exhilarating and almost magical as it first was. I was starting to feel like something was missing. I wanted more than a wild night of drinking and dancing, I wanted a girlfriend!
Uh-huh, here comes the story about a girl. After two failed relationships with women, I met this amazing woman who I absolutely fell in love with. We only dated for three months and I wanted to marry her. One night at a club, after a few drinks I told her I would marry her. Shortly after I told her this, I started crying. Suddenly it hit me, I had not spoken to my family in years and now I wanted them to be part of my gay life! I felt at that moment that I should call my mom and tell her, I was so overwhelmed with many feelings. I wanted to tell my parents that not only did I want to marry a woman, but I also wanted to deal with the past issues that were never talked about, it all seemed insurmountable. My girlfriend at the time did not know why I was crying. I never told her and we never spoke about the conversation again. Maybe a month or so after this, the relationship ended. I think that my unresolved issues with my family is a big reason as to why it ended. I felt like it was a lie that I was living. Before the relationship ended I did send my parents a letter indicating that I was in a relationship with another woman. Again it was never talked about. I needed to know that they received the letter. I called my mother one day and asked. She replied rudely that she did receive the letter and that was it. So, now my parents know I am gay, but the woman I was in love with leaves me, after I tell her I want her back….and I was single again.
Uh-Huh the break up! The break up was more pain then I could have ever imagined. I was depressed for months. I did think it was somewhat funny how a three month relationship could result in several months of depression and unbearable sadness. I would be at work and suddenly feel the urge to cry. I would sometimes shed a few tears in front of my computer just to let it out. At other times, I had to go to the washroom to be alone as it was just too much. I had used marijuana in the past recreationally. I later found myself using it to relax and fall asleep at night due to the heartache. The thoughts in my head were like a broken record of why? What? How? Could it have been different? If I could only touch, kiss, hold or even see her again? I felt like I lost the one! I had no interest in other women for a long time. Even though I dated other women since her, they did not measure up to her.
Overall, the relationship was amazing, the break-up was close to devastating. I never thought I would feel that way about anyone. I would laugh at some of my straight friends when they would go on food binges, shopping sprees, try to lose weight or have extreme bitch sessions over a guy they dated. I get it now! The good news is that I learned a lot about myself and what I need to work on for myself. It is a process and some things are harder than others. Everything requires continuous effort and practice, as old habits are hard to break.
Thus, this woman is a big part of the reason that I made contact with my parents again. If I was going to be with someone I loved, I wanted the world to know, even my strict catholic Italian parents! I had spent my childhood and teen years trying to get away from my oppressive family and then I found myself trying to get back. With much effort, positive-self talk, as well as support from great friends and some other family, I went back home to see my parents. It was something that I needed to do it seems. To this day my family is still not very open, we still have not talked about things that have occurred. However, I did realize that we hurt each other so much due to poor communication, stubbornness and our own negativity. Although my parents do not say it, I can see the pain in their eyes. I am their little girl, who hated them for so long. Looking back I realize, they did the best they could with what they knew.
I am older now and approaching my thirties. I really want to have children. Just the thought of me having a child who wants to escape me is beyond words. I could not even imagine that pain. I am not sure how or exactly when I will have children, but one day! I hope that I have learned enough to not make the same mistakes with my children.
Currently, I am in a foreign country teaching English. I am having a great time and learning so much everyday. I meet people from all over the world on a regular basis. There is a large foreign community here in South Korea. In the eight months that I have been here, I have met people from Scotland, Ireland, Australia, South Africa, New Zealand, England, all over Canada and the US. Now that I am across the world I speak to my mother more than I did when I lived 10 minutes away and worked across the street from her! There is still work to be done, tears to be shed, emotions and thoughts to be expressed. However, things have gotten better. I now have a relationship with my family and I am excited to see them when I return to Canada this summer!
As for the girl, we are cyber friends now ☺